Labor Day by Terri Rimmer - originally published by adoption.about.com, 2001

She never thought this day would come.

Labor Day
August 2000
The resident who was due a week after Tara gave her a picture frame for Mackenzie and included a note with it:

"I didn't know which one of us would go first so I decided to go ahead and give you your lil' present. I admire you so much and wish you the best in everything," it read.

She was 20 and had placed a baby a year before that through the center. She was also a Gladney baby herself.

One of Tara's favorite house parents made her a labor bracelet, something she tried to do for all the residents if there was time before they delivered. It was supposed to be a good luck charm before labor and you weren't supposed to take it off beforehand.

Tara had never heard of them. Hers was yellow and purple and she wore it about a week before it came off before delivery.

Tara kept it and put it in her memory box along with her other sentiments of her time at Gladney.

Tara met Veronica at the doctor's office and gave her Mackenzie's first ornament for her first Christmas. It was a straw angel, intricate in design that was part of a collection that she and Mark, her ex-husband, had bought together when they had their first Christmas as an engaged couple.

Tara would never forget their numerous trips to Pier I to buy ornaments every year. They could only afford to buy a couple every year but over the years they had bought quite a few.

"Thank you for Mackenzie's ornament!" Veronica wrote in a card. "She will always know it is from her birth mom! We love you and think of you hundreds of times every day! I'm thankful that you take such good care of yourself for the baby's sake. We really really appreciate you!"
She had also given Veronica a painted tile with Gladney's name on it.

"I really enjoy going to your doctor's appointments," Veronica told her. "Thanks for including me!"

Veronica made Tara a computer sign that had a quote from Helen Keller:

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."

Veronica told her that she held a special place in she and Frank's hearts.

Another card read: "Hope you're having a great day and that the baby isn't keeping you up all night! We are so excited and in great anticipation! You are remembered in our prayers."

Veronica sent some pictures of the nursery they were decorating. Some things that looked white were actually pink. Frank and Ben painted a mural on the wall with green grass and blue background. Painted animals made up the display and in the center they wrote, "The best thing about you is who you are inside." In the corner was the three signatures of Veronica, Frank, and Ben dated 7/00.

"Hope you like it. We're getting so excited! Hope you're getting in some naps and some down time to rest your feet. Anxious to talk to you," Veronica wrote.

August 3, 2000
After spending the weekend with Chelsea at a bed and breakfast, Chelsea gave Tara a card, which read:

"We don't always know what the plan is but we always know there's a plan. Relax and know that somewhere God's got it all worked out. I am so proud of your courage. Your daughter is a very lucky little girl to have a mom that loves her enough to let her go. I'm so blessed to have you for a sister - thanks for our special weekend and for teaching me about real love."

August 6, 2000
"You've been here so long that it will really be strange not having you here," Tara's favorite house parent wrote in one of her journals. "I hope everything goes really well with you, not only through labor and placement but for the rest of your life. Thank you for using your talents while you've been here…the bulletin board and "The Glad Rag" (dorm newsletter). Please keep in touch after you leave. Just a note saying what you've been up to. I'm glad to have gotten to know you. I'm proud of you for making an adoption plan and for hanging in there when the people at work were so cruel."

A resident due in September who later wound up delivering during the Olympic games told Tara she was very appreciate of the opportunity to meet her.

"I think you are a very sweet and kind person with a kind heart," she said. "These aren't the best circumstances to meet and become friends with someone but I would rather have met you like this than not at all. I admire your strength as a person but even more so as a woman. The paths we choose to take in life affect us eternally. As difficult as this one has been you have made it to the end. Knowing you and seeing you has given me more courage and more determination to believe that I can make it, too. Thank you for your never-ending inspiration."

Tara's due date was yesterday.

Chelsea came for three days and left that day. She felt the baby move and said she'd miss knowing her. They stayed at a bed and breakfast. The hosts made heart-shaped cookies with their names on them and brought them peach tea. It was a place for couples and had a Jacuzzi.

Chelsea looked at Mackenzie's scrapbook and other things Tara had made for Mackenzie.

"You know I was thinking on the way here that I could've done this (raised Mackenzie)," Chelsea said to Tara now, her hand on the scrapbook. "I just wish I'd had more time to think about it before."

Tara's heart sank.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know how long we had," she explained. "I thought we had to make a quick decision. I didn't know that people come there (to Gladney) at the last minute sometimes."

"I know you didn't know," Chelsea said. "Neither did I. Of course, now it would just be cruel since you've already got parents for her. I'd talked to my girlfriend about it and she wouldn't have a problem with it (you choosing us at the last minute) but I would. I told her �You should see these emails from these people. When you see these emails, there's no way you could take Mackenzie from them.'"

After Chelsea left, Tara went to a friend's funeral. He'd died from AIDS after having it for seven years. He was a year older than she was.

August 7, 2000
Tara was two days late. She had contractions for the first time the night before, but there were only two, lasting five minutes. Her mom and Chelsea called that night.

Tara had gone back to the doctor the week before. Mackenzie was seven pounds.

Tara dreamed about Mackenzie. Her doctor was back from out of town, thank God. She kept telling Mackenzie it was time to come out now.

She hoped Mackenzie didn't think she hated her. Veronica sent Tara a long email:

"We had our second shower today and it was so much fun. There were 20 adults and about 18 children. Pretty wild! Frank and I were both opening presents left and right. We got so many outfits. We have around 600 diapers now. We are truly blessed with wonderful friends.
As you can see from the time, I went into work for six hours tonight. Thursday was originally was my last day but I want to earn a little money until she is here.

Several people at the shower asked about you. I have your picture at the doctor's office along with some other pics you have sent me. My friend loved your idea of heaven. Several people commented on how pretty you are and they bet the baby has your beautiful eyes. I sure hope so as I love your eyes.

Ben also got several presents and has claimed some of the baby's toys also. She got a doll stroller that was packed with all kinds of goodies. Anyway, Ben wants to push the baby stroller all over the house, so of course we let him, hoping he won't tear it up until Mackenzie gets old enough to play with it herself.

We are so excited and are on pins and needles. Anytime we go anywhere I call every one to two hours to check our messages on the chance that our caseworker has called and that you are in labor. I know I'll scream when we actually get the call.

Several people asked about you today at church and please know that you are in so many prayers. My friend added your name to a prayer list at church and found out that another church member is waiting on a baby from China! She said they cried and cried throughout Sunday school and people through they'd lost their minds. We are so humbled about the great gift you are giving us.

I hope you enjoy hearing about all the 'stuff.' Please always feel free to tell me to �chill.' I hope you have a good week and get some naps in.

How is your sister feeling now about your decision? Please tell me that she feels better and at peace with it. I thought about you all weekend.
I want to come to the doctor's appointment Thursday if you don't mind. Has anyone else delivered? What good stuff did you get at your shower Thursday afternoon?"

The home gave birth moms baby showers but instead of baby gifts, they got journals and other things and had ice cream and birthday cake.

August 8, 2000
"I can't believe that it's almost time for you to deliver," Tara's other favorite house parent wrote in her journal. "My husband and I wanted you to know how happy and blessed we are to have had the chance to meet and know you. We are praying that these next couple of weeks you will find strength and courage. We hope you know how amazing you are for giving Mackenzie a wonderful life. You have made a mark in our hearts and we will remember you always. Good luck in whatever lies ahead."

August 10, 2000
"I know that both our lives have been very hard and painful mentally, physically, and spiritually," a resident who changed her mind after the birth of her second child told Tara before she changed her mind. "The decision we made to place our children makes us even stronger, wonderful women and those who don't have our strength can't begin to understand our reasoning. We shall deal with the pain of wondering and hoping and praying that our children will understand why they are not with us. Always remember that are not alone and that at the same time you're thinking about your child, I'm thinking about mine. I feel your pain and you're forever in my mind and my heart because you are my life's reality and I'm yours. Don't ever give up on yourself. Don't let the pain overcome you and turn into depression. You are way too strong and you have already proven that. Don't let anyone put you down because you are too good for that. One day you will see that you can do anything and you will succeed in life. You will be on my mind and if you ever need me, I'll be there. You are my inspiration."

Some of the residents were mad at the resident for changing her mind afterwards and Tara talked to her at length but didn't judge her. Tara understood how hard it was but at the same time she had to keep herself centered. She mainly worried about what kind of life the baby would have without the care it needed.

"It's really going to be different without you here," a young house parent wrote to Tara. "You have been so caring and willing to lend a hand. I just don't know what we're going to do without you. You have made some tough, life-changing decisions since you've been here. I really admire your courage. You are very talented and I know you can succeed in life by using the many gifts you've been given. I'll miss you."

August 11, 2000
Tara was 50 percent effaced but not dilated. Veronica met her at the doctor again and gave her flowers.

Tara met with her caseworker that told her she had to start visualizing letting go of Mackenzie. Tara couldn't and hadn't done this.

One of the residents went to the hospital the night before but it was false labor.

Mackenzie's head kept moving to the bottom of Tara's belly. Ready.

August 12, 2000
Tara's mom surprised her by coming in to town for three days to see her.

It was weird to be with her mom and be pregnant. Tara was swollen like a former resident had been. She was scared about having a delivery like hers - giving birth to a ten-pounder with no epidural.

Mackenzie's head was still down below Tara's belly. No contractions since Thursday. Tara lay awake last night imagining what Mackenzie would look like. She tried to do that "letting go" thing but couldn't.

Gladney got in three new residents.

Tara got an email from Veronica:

"Hope you're having a great weekend. Of course with the heat and all and carrying around the baby…hope you have a tolerable weekend," Veronica wrote. "We want to make this as easy on you as possible if we can. We keep getting phone calls to see if Mackenzie is here yet. As crazy as it makes me it has to be doubly hard on you. I keep telling people that she's growing stronger and maturing those lungs and staying in her safe, warm environment as long as possible. Hope you're able to get some rest as I know how active she's been."

August 13, 2000
Tara gave her mom a dorm tour.

Tara lay awake wondering again what Mackenzie would look like, be like.

She was eight days late now. Her mom didn't understand a lot of the adoption stuff. Tara showed her the Placement outfit, scrapbook, photo album, and profile of Veronica and Frank.

August 14, 2000
The countdown began. Emails from Veronica were getting more frequent:

"I'm so excited for you that your mom's here. It sure would be cool for her to be here when the baby comes.

Maybe it'll happen. I think the days after birth are a grieving time for you. I hope the heat isn't killing you. My mom again talked about how miserable she was when pregnant with my sister who was born in early September. Mom can't wait to hold the baby; she's mentioned it several times. I sent a thank you card to your sister via our caseworker and you should get it soon. Try and get some rest."

August 15, 2000
Labor Day
Tara was nine days late. Something had told her she'd go into labor that day; she didn't know why. Her mom was staying at a hotel two blocks from the hospital. That day they had taken a tour of Gladney and she introduced her mom to everyone including her doctor's assistant. Then they went to a few stores and had lunch at a fast food place.

Tara and her mom took naps. When Tara woke up from hers she was getting mild cramps. It was about 4:00 p.m.

They had a very light dinner later, which Tara was very grateful for afterwards. She'd always heard to not eat anything once labor started to avoid getting sick.

They watched TV and as one show drifted into another the cramps became more intense. All those mothers before her were right. There was no greater pain. Still at this point it was only a 5 or 6 on a scale of 1-10. Still bearable.

Her mom read while Tara timed her contractions and then Tara called the childbirth coordinator who was very sweet and instructed her to continue timing her contractions and when to call her back each time.

It was the first night of the Democratic National Convention when Tara went into labor. She and her mom were watching "The Practice" when towards the end of the show, the pain got unbearable. The childbirth coordinator had told her to call her back for the last time when the pain got so bad she couldn't stand it.

Tara's mom had told her a couple of times to call before then but she kept going through the cycles of pain until finally she picked up the phone.

Tara remembered the ending of the show was about a serial killer or rapist who had the lead attorney hostage.

She'd never forget that episode!

Tara and her mom waited on the childbirth coordinator to pick them up from the hotel lobby.

The hotel rep behind the counter asked Tara if she was okay.

Tara was sitting on a cushioned bench while her mom stood inside the glass doors waiting on the coordinator to arrive.

"I'm okay," she told the hotel rep. "I'm just in labor."

"Oh my God!" the lady exclaimed. "Can I get you anything? Some ice or something?"

"No, it's okay," Tara said, watching her mom turning around every so often to check on her.

The coordinator got there quickly, thank God and the three of them drove the two blocks to the hospital.

Tara had already spoken with a house parent and her caseworker and told them they were on the way to the hospital and how far away they were. Now the caseworker would call Veronica and Frank's caseworker and give them the news.

A lot of times because of the distance or various other reasons, adoptive parents weren't there for the birth but she had already made arrangements with them since they were only an hour and a half away for them to be called the minute she went into labor.

A nurse checked Tara in but only after talking to the doctor twice and telling her she might have to send her home with false labor.

"Oh please, no!" Tara said, as Susan arrived.

Susan was always so laidback it amazed her. She came strolling in, got the lowdown, and the four of them sat around while they finally gave her the drugs she always swore she'd take.

By the time Tara was cracking jokes throughout the Democratic Convention, Tara had had four Epidurals, a Morphine Drip, Stadol, and Demerol.

And she had just got through talking to Veronica, telling her and Frank to come to the hospital.

Veronica sounded so excited on the phone. Tara told them to be careful driving.

Now Tara was feeling no pain to say the least and was very entertaining to everyone.

"If this is what it's going to be like, I can handle this," she thought.

She didn't know that was all going to wear off and that when she had to push, they had to let one of the Epidurals wear off because her leg kept falling off the table.

She pushed for three hours before they did an emergency C-section, much to the doctor's regret. He didn't like doing them unless he absolutely had to. But after technically 20 hours of labor, she was begging for it. She thought she'd die from the pain and was begging to God aloud many times.

Tara never believed in self-fulfilling prophecies until this day. She always said she'd have a tough pregnancy and labor and she did. She had two asthma attacks during labor, which she feared would happen.

At 11 a.m. after beginning pushing, the nurses told her she was pushing wrong.

"Not in your face, in your bottom," they kept saying but she couldn't do it.

The doctor was in a bad mood and she took it personally, of course.

When he walked in with his assistant, Tara covered herself.

"I get to look," he said, casually, pulling the sheet back.

"I know, it's just weird for me," she said, shyly.

"I can see the head," one of the nurses said.

Tara didn't have her glasses on but in the large mirror across from her she squinted to see if she could see it, too. She thought she could.
Once they told her to start pushing, the thought of "I don't want to lose her" went through her mind. As crazy as it was Susan was doing all the work and she was barely trying. Tara didn't want Mackenzie out of herself even though she knew it was inevitable.

After more futile incorrect pushing the doctor told her: "You're not going to get it out like that."

The placenta was in Mackenzie's way and it was smashing Tara's bladder but the nurses and doctor didn't realize this until surgery was underway.

The doctor's assistant who had been with her throughout this pregnancy, coached her from the side of the bed, calm as always.

"It hurts so bad," Tara cried to her.

"I know it does," she said, soothingly. "Watch me. Do what I do."

She tried to talk her through breathing but to no avail.

At one point Susan's girlfriend asked if she could come in and Tara snapped "No!" even though she was friends with her.

But she poked her head in anyway, trying to be friendly.

Tara begged them to go get the doctor after he'd left the room again and reluctantly they did.

One nurse was really pissed.

The doctor came back into the room and examined her once more.

"I can see hair," one of the nurses said, referring to the baby's head.

Finally the doctor sat down on the edge of the bed and was silent for a minute while she watched him.

Then he turned to her and said, "I don't want to have to take the baby. But you've been pushing for three hours and you're not making progress. So, we're going to do an emergency C-section."

She was soooooooooooooo relieved!

Before she knew it, she was being cleaned, shaved, and rubbed down with a colored liquid and wheeled into surgery.

It all happened so fast.

She was told that when she was "out of it" in between pushing, that Veronica came in and kissed her cheek.

While she was pushing, her mom, Susan, the coordinator, and Susan's girlfriend had met Veronica and Frank and they, with the exception of Susan, who was coaching her, all waited through the whole thing in the waiting area.

When Veronica found out Tara was going to have to have a C-section, she burst into tears:

"I didn't want it to be this hard for her," she cried.

Tara remembered one resident who had watched her C-section in April during surgery in the reflection of the reflectors above her head.

There was no way Tara was doing that.

Tara spent the majority of her labor trying to get her mom a ride to the airport so she didn't miss her plane.

Thanks to Susan saving the day once more, Susan negotiated with her caseworker and got her mom a ride - barely.

Susan continuously fed Tara ice chips, which she ate up like a man dying of thirst in the desert.

She never thought she'd love ice so much in her life.

In the middle of surgery, Tara opened her eyes and looked at the doctor and his assistant working on her.

"Hi, sweetie," he said, noticing.

She didn't say anything, just kept asking Susan how things were going.

During surgery Tara overheard her doctor, his assistant and the other nurses talking about funny emails they'd been getting and events in their day-to-day lives. She remembered hearing stories about doctors doing this but it was another thing to be hearing it first-hand.

Someone asked how old the doctor's daughter was now and he told her age seven.

"Okay, Tara, a little pressure now," they told her.

She didn't feel a thing.

Susan told her later that it was at that point that they were pushing her stomach all the way down to the table and moving her insides out of the way to make way for the baby.

The doctor now found the baby to pull her out.

"No wonder she didn't want to be born," the doctor commented. "No wonder it hurt."

Tara started shaking a lot and the anesthesiologist told her it was from the Epidural.

"What's wrong?" the doctor asked, noticing her shivering.

"I'm freezing," she said, teeth chattering.

She became really scared and thought she was going to die she was shaking so much. The blanket the anesthesiologist was putting over her didn't help.

When they lifted Mackenzie out of her stomach much later, Tara thought to herself: "My God, I have a baby."

"Baby girl," she heard the doctor say as he handed Mackenzie to a nurse.

It didn't matter that Tara knew this for nine months. Seeing Mackenzie being lifted up and pulled out of her own stomach was all so surreal.

The first words out of Tara's mouth were "Is she okay?"

And she was.

At first Mackenzie didn't cry but when they started cleaning her up, Tara noticed she had a good pair of lungs.

Just like her mom.

Susan started snapping pictures of Mackenzie being tended to.

Tara looked over at the clock and noted the time.

Two o'clock. The same time her mom's plane was scheduled to leave.

It was as if Mackenzie was waiting for the plane to take off before being born.

Tara was still shaking when a nurse brought Mackenzie over to see her, asking her if she wanted to hold her.

"I can't," she said, shaking violently.

Susan's girlfriend was the first to hold Mackenzie and rock her.

The only time Tara held Mackenzie was when others were around because she was afraid she'd change her mind if she held her alone.

She'd heard about birth moms changing their minds this way and spending too much time with the baby alone.

She drifted in and out of sleep and was later transferred to another room.

Because of her C-section Mackenzie didn't get to be born in the cozy room where she would've been born if it had been a normal birth.

But that was okay because her little girl was okay. And that was all that mattered.

Later that night, after eating a liquid dinner due to precautions taken against infection, Tara made her way very slowly down the hall to see Mackenzie in the nursery. It would be the first of many walks during her hospital stay and no matter how painful each walk was physically, she looked forward to getting to the end when she got to see her new child in her new bed. The nurses told her walking was good and sped the process of recovery from a C-section along.

Tara smiled at the nurses as she pulled her I.V. tube with her and finally she was staring at her new daughter who was positioned in between several other babies - all boys.

She realized Mackenzie had been born the day before Frank's birthday which was August 16th.

Tara couldn't have planned that better!

The hospital had a lot of births in the past 24 hours during which a tropical storm had occurred. She remembered watching the Weather Channel with her mom while she was first having labor pains and her mom saying that during a full moon and a tropical storm that births usually occur.

The night she went into labor, they had had both.

Tara later made a lot of calls and got a lot of visitors in the two days she was in the hospital. They kept her two days since she'd had a C-section.

On the second day, she called Veronica and Frank's caseworker and asked them to call their hotel and have them come hold their child. The caseworker told her that she thought she'd want some time to herself and had explained that to the APs but Tara reiterated the invitation and said they could come right away. She didn't want them to miss out on anything.

They had managed to videotape Mackenzie in the nursery for about 15 minutes the day before.

Tara made sure her Mackenzie had her blanket made especially for her by one of the birth moms in the nursery with her the whole time and that it went home with her to her transitional and adoptive homes. It was pink, blue and white with hearts. It was the first time Amy had ever sewn hearts on the many blankets she'd made for the birth moms at the center.

Veronica and Frank came into her room now with flowers and smiles and talked and rocked Mackenzie, taking pictures and videotaping some more.

When Frank held and talked to Mackenzie he jokingly told her he'd buy her stock in Mary Kay cosmetics.

"Your daddy has good taste," Tara said to Mackenzie.

Veronica and Frank gave her a card that read:

"You are our hero! We are so humbled by your wonderful gift. She is beautiful. We love you."

They talked about her labor and Tara watched Mackenzie's new dad tell her about all the things he was going to do with her.

"I crawled all over that floor, round and round, finishing it just for you," Frank told Mackenzie in baby talk. "And now you'll crawl all over it, too."

Veronica and Frank had remodeled an office into Mackenzie's nursery.

As was the norm, some of the birth moms from the dorm came to visit and Tara took pictures of all of them holding her little girl. They were all in awe of Mackenzie.

Susan and Susan's teenage daughter took all of this in.

Mackenzie left the hospital right after Tara to go to her transitional home. Tara got to say a little goodbye before she checked out right behind her.

When she went home from the hospital, Tara was in excruciating pain and felt like knives were going through her abdomen. The childbirth coordinator who took her home hit a speed bump and she thought she'd die from the pain!

She was told not to drive, work, or do anything strenuous, including lifting for several weeks.

She couldn't wait to get her pictures developed and to see the videotape which Veronica and Frank were going to give her a copy of.
The first night without Mackenzie, she cried to one of her favorite house parents.

"It's just so hard without her," she told her.

The house parent could sympathize, but that was all.

As the other residents watched movies, she felt so different, so alone. Other birth moms had told her that after delivery it was hard to be in the dorm with a bunch of pregnant women.

Tara didn't understand it at the time, because she was still pregnant, but now she knew all too well.

And none of them wanted to talk about it. But a few did. Tara would never forget the ones who let her cry, talk and who hugged her and told her that she was so strong and that she would be okay.

Tara didn't try to discourage anyone, of course, but at the same time she didn't want them to see her cry for fear of hurting them or making them uncomfortable.

Tara remembered one resident saying after her April birth that all the pain was so worth it.

Now she knew what a mother's love truly meant.

During her first nursery visit Tara made sure her caseworker was close by but even when her caseworker went down the hall for a minute, leaving her alone with Mackenzie, she broke down and cried after telling Mackenzie how much she loved her and how beautiful she was and all the things she wanted for her in life.

The scrapbook she'd made for her over a four-month period detailed all this and more but it was so different looking into her tiny face and telling her some of the same things.

"This is so hard," Tara told her caseworker when she came back in the room.

Her appetite left her for two weeks and she hardly slept a week during that time. She had to take medication to help her sleep after two weeks of hardly getting any rest. She had no desire to eat or sleep and had to make herself take a shower and change clothes.

It was like someone had died and she finally knew what a former resident was talking about when she alluded to that same feeling after her April birth.

August 19, 2000
She thought about Mackenzie last night and all day. It was so surreal to think she was hers. She didn't want to be alone.

The pain was getting a little better physically. Tara talked to her sister and mom.

Susan said the doctor said the placenta was smashing her bladder before delivery.

August 20, 2000
The nights were so hard there at Gladney now.

Tara had another nursery visit that day and it went a lot better. Susan, another resident, Tara's caseworker, and a friend were there. Tara's friend cried most of the time.

The other resident, who delivered right after Tara, had her first nursery visit that day.

Today the transitional moms had Mackenzie dressed up in a pink ruffled dress. They sent Tara digital pictures that looked great. Mackenzie was taken to her first Richard Gere movie, her first movie, period, the day before and ate through the whole thing. She didn't cry at all. The transitional moms said Mackenzie was the easiest baby they'd ever had. Her appetite was getting better.

As miserable as her pregnancy was, Tara missed being pregnant.

August 21, 2000
The next day Tara was to have another nursery visit and the other resident had her second one that day.

Tara had been fighting depression that day. She put a picture of Mackenzie next to her bed. Hopefully she could handle it. She got some more pictures developed and Mackenzie looked great. She was perfect. Tara thought about having another baby but she'd feel too guilty about Mackenzie. She'd always be "the one."

August 22, 2000
Tara cried the night before with a house parent then almost cried three more times. She had another nursery visit that day and her last one was tomorrow.

Mackenzie was irritable that day and Tara couldn't make her happy. She felt helpless.

One of the residents decided to keep her baby after giving birth that morning. She had nothing but Tara couldn't judge her. She should have stressed to her the importance of not being alone with the baby, she thought.

Tara made herself sore from crying and straining her incision.

August 23, 2000
The day before
Placement Day
"I admire your strength and courage," one of the residents who had two other kids told Tara. "You are the perfect example of adoption being a decision made out of love because I see how much you love her and how secure you are in your decision. Thanks for being a great example."

Another resident who was helping her boyfriend raise his young son wrote: "I've only known you for a short while now but from what I know of you now you are so strong and now you've made it through. Remember that you have a whole new life ahead of you so live it to the fullest and make it everything you deserve."

"Thanks again for being so nice to me," a 16-year-old resident said. "You made my move here so much better. I'm glad to have you here to talk to."

"You are one of the sweetest, craziest people I know," wrote a resident who was placing a child for the second time. "You have such strength and I admire you."

August 24, 2000
Placement Day
Tara placed Mackenzie that day with her new parents. It was the hardest thing she'd ever done or would do, she thought.

The night before the resident, who gave birth right behind Tara, cried with her. Her placement was later that afternoon.

Tara had spent the week recovering from her C-section. Her breasts hadn't produced any milk so she didn't have to wrap them in ace
bandages because of leaks like the other residents after they delivered.

Placement Day went all too fast.

Tara planned on spending the night with Susan to get away.

Tara got a card from Chelsea which read:

"I know it's hard. You did the right thing. I can only imagine what you're going through. I respect and admire so much who you are to have given her life. God's gotcha and I'm here for you."

Now Tara watched Mackenzie being changed for the last time after having a week of nursery visits with her, pictures, memories, and kisses.

Tara had rocked Mackenzie in the rocker in the nursery many times over the last week, talking to her, crying, and making sure she was surrounded at all times during all visits by visitors. She even pulled people from the staff to come see Mackenzie during visits for fear of being left alone and changing her mind.

And it worked.

Some residents who visited hadn't delivered. But they were all just what she needed and they would always have that kinship.
It was finally time to leave for the park, the place where she would meet Veronica and Frank and they would exchange gifts, take pictures, videotape, and have a blessing for Mackenzie before she went to her new home. She was dressed in a pink ruffled dress with a sheer cape and little white satin shoes that Tara had picked out after going to five different stores to find an outfit.

Tara rode with her caseworker to the park, just down the street, which had a playground and was shaded, perfect for an August morning.
Everyone else was already there, waiting on them to arrive.

Tara got out of the car and the transitional mom handed Mackenzie to her. Tara's caseworker and the transitional mom followed behind her as she carefully carried Mackenzie down the sloping circular-like sidewalk, watching her feet and her baby alternately as she got closer and closer to Frank. He was waiting at the end of the sidewalk with the minister who was to bless Mackenzie at her request. Veronica, some of Veronica and Frank's family and friends, and some of Tara's friends also stood watching her walk towards Frank with Mackenzie in her arms.

"I've never seen you look so sad and so peaceful at the same time," her favorite house parent who was there, later told Tara.

Veronica was visibly pleased with the dress Mackenzie wore.

"Where did you get that?" Veronica exclaimed, happily.

The shoes swallowed Mackenzie whole so Tara wound up taking them off.

Veronica and Frank and Tara greeted each other and the minister began the blessing as the videotape rolled. One of Veronica's friends was taping the event, crying most of the time. Everyone agreed that Tara didn't want Mackenzie to see her crying on tape or see her walk away because she wanted her to feel good when she saw it one day.

"She's doing well," Tara heard someone say, referring to Tara.

Tara flashed back to the night before when she and another resident, who had Placement the same day, were crying outside while the other residents looked on empathetically.

"They'll always know how much you loved them," one resident said to both of them, which made Tara cry even harder and she turned her back to them.

Now she was back in the moment, this beautiful August morning, a day she would never forget a park she would inevitably pass by many times since it was close to where she lived. She picked it for that reason.

After the blessing Tara took Mackenzie off to a quiet corner while she said goodbye alone. She was told beforehand that she could do this and that many birth moms did this but at the time she didn't want to do it because it would be so painful. She also knew that the usual plan was for the birth mom to leave the event first so that she didn't have to watch her child leaving.

Tara carefully carried Mackenzie, whose middle name she picked and Veronica and Frank kept, much to her happiness, over to a shady area and shielded her eyes from the sideways sun.

"Trying to keep the sun out of your eyes," she told Mackenzie quietly and looked down at her little red face.

She heaved a sigh as she watched Mackenzie flail her arms around curiously, not looking at her.

"You're going to have an awesome life," Tara told her, beginning to cry after holding it together for so long. "I've picked out some great parents for you. And I'll see you again some day."

That was all she could manage before she broke down.

She kissed her on the cheek and smudged the lipstick off before turning around.

Her shoulders shook with the crying and she thought no one noticed since she was so far away. But her favorite house parent later told her that she knew she was crying when she saw her shoulders shaking.

Now she brought Mackenzie to her new parents, walking a little uphill over the soft grass towards them.

Everyone was watching Tara as she handed her over, avoiding their eyes.

Then her crying was uncontrollable and everyone hugged her.

She totally forgot that she had picked the playground so they could take pictures of her and her child. She didn't remember this until much later. Veronica later told her that they would do it at finalization of the adoption when Tara saw Mackenzie again.

As Tara's favorite house parent hugged her, she said, "You have my eternal respect," which made her cry even harder.

One by one they hugged her and then the friend with the camcorder asked her if she could hug her.

After she did, Tara made her way to her caseworker's car with her caseworker and didn't allow her to look back.

When she got back to the dorm a few residents were gathered and they asked her how it went.

"You got back fast," one said, surprised.

"Yeah, it's over," Tara said, avoiding their eyes.

"That's it?" one asked.

"That's it," she said, and went directly to her room to rest.

Surprisingly she was able to take a nap and slept well and peaceful.

Susan's girlfriend picked Tara up later and she spent the day and night there, watching movies with them and taking another nap. They had to leave her alone most of the day because of their jobs and things they had to do. They kept checking on her, though and she assured them she was okay, though she was not.

Tara noticed Veronica had sent her an email and she wrote that she was impressed with her and how she handled things that morning.

That night Tara didn't want to take anything to sleep but needed to. She sat up talking with her Susan about the day.

"Is there ever a minute when you're not thinking about her (Mackenzie)?" Susan asked her later that night.

"No," Tara said. "I'm thinking about her constantly."

She was crying, but barely. She didn't think she'd ever cried in front of Susan in the five years they'd known each other.

"I know everyone keeps saying �You did the right thing' but that doesn't take away the pain," Tara explained.

After a short pause, Susan said, "You know I think it's the only thing I can think of that can be so happy for one person (the couple) and so sad and painful for the other. It's been hard for me, too."

"It has?" Tara asked, surprised.

"Yeah. I mean, I was with you through the whole pregnancy, delivery, everything," Susan said.

"Yeah, I couldn't have done it without you," Tara said. "I want to take something to sleep but I don't want to get addicted to it and rely on it for sleep all the time."

"I think you should take something. I'll see what we have."

"I feel like drinking or leaving town," Tara said, wearily.

"Maybe you should."

Tara looked at her surprised.

They were both in recovery for alcoholism.

"You think I should drink?" Tara asked.

She smiled. "I think you should do what you need to do to get through this."

"Yeah, but I don't want to self-destruct over this," Tara said.

Susan finally talked her into taking a pill and she slept well that night.

But Tara told herself she wouldn't do that every night.

She lay there for a while and thought about the day and thought about what Mackenzie was doing right now and if she was sleeping okay.

Tara's mom sent Tara a card. They had never been close but this pregnancy had brought them close:

"You have been on my mind all day. I know what a difficult day this has been for you," she wrote. "You will be in my heart and prayers in the days to come. I know it won't be an easy time. Always know that I'm here for you. Call me any time. I love you always. You have so much courage!"

Tara never felt like she was ever on her mom's mind throughout their tumultuous years together from foster homes to custody battles to the first time she officially left home at the age of 14 when her mom put her in a children's home. There were so many times Tara needed
her mom and she wasn't there. She always knew her mom was anti-religious so it was a trip to read that she would be in her mom's prayers. Chelsea was always the one that was there for her in every way. Tara's mother rarely called for so many years. And the only time her mother had ever said she loved Tara was on the phone and as she was hanging up, expressed as an embarrassing quick thought after thought before Tara heard the dial tone without any chance to respond.

It was Chelsea that had always told Tara over the years that she had so much courage. Tara always felt she didn't have a choice, she had to be courageous. But then she never really felt she had that much courage because she was afraid of people, afraid of everything.

Chelsea's card, which read on the outside "Gratitude is the heart's memory", said:

"I appreciate so much you're sharing that special weekend with me. I know that you've been through something most of us can only imagine.

You've handled it so spiritually and I am touched with your strength and love. I love you."

Another card she sent her read: "At times it seems we have flown through the years. Side by side, we have hoped, wished, and talked about a million things.

Always wanting the best for each other today is a good day to tell you I love you and hope that all your wishes comes true. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking aboutcha and enjoying staying with touch with email. I love you very much and hope today you're feeling spiritually connected, at peace, and rested." She signed the card �Cindy Lou Who,' one of her private nicknames, referring to the Cindy Lou Who character in "How The Grinch Stole Christmas," something they watched together every year as kids. Tara opened the card Veronica and Frank had given her on Placement Day.

The card read: "We are so honored by the tremendous gift of your baby. Certainly there are no words to express our gratitude. You are heaven sent and certainly and angel is watching over you! We are so excited and thankful for all of God's blessings."

Tara remembered once that someone told her to write a future journal entry of what she wanted her life to be like a year from the date she wrote the entry. She wrote that in her future she'd just finished writing an incredible feature for the paper and that she felt so good about her career again. Her relationship would be doing a lot better and she was paying off old debt regularly. She was getting rid of useless things and ideas in her life and saving money. She had paid off her car and her divorce was final. She was no longer obsessed about what others thought.

And that was her fantasy entry from December 1998.

Tara had come to terms with the fact that she would never be or could never be a mom at that point. She had accepted it and moved on.
Everyone said God had a purpose for her but He didn't leave notes on her refrigerator door.

Getting an email from Veronica was just what Tara needed after an emotional Placement Day:

"Thank you so much for today. I am so impressed with you. You are the most courageous, strongest person I know and I thank you so much for Mackenzie. Thank you for the wonderful day of placement. She will have pictures, a tape, her beautiful outfit, her sleeper to remember this day and she will always know about you, the wonderful mother who gave birth to her. I think the placement at the park was great and I'm glad you liked the pastor.

I'm glad you liked the gift certificate. Beth (Susan's girlfriend) was the one who actually suggested it and you certainly deserved to be pampered. I wanted to get you the "perfect" gift and of course there is not gift to compare to your "gift." Would you please tell Amy that we love the blanket and that it is in Mackenzie's crib even now? Everyone has loved it and had to touch it. It hasn't left her body I don't think all day. She is doing great, sleeping a lot, but awake at times with eyes looking around and smiling some Ben has been so protective of her and initially wouldn't let my mom hold her. He told her, "No, she's my baby sister, I hold her." But finally, after we let him hold her and pat on her, he did let her hold her. All in all it's been a wonderful, memorable day full of visitors and phone calls. Hopefully tomorrow will be quieter for Mackenzie.

We have talked about you probably every hour on the hour. What is she doing? How is she feeling? Is someone with her? Is she keeping busy? So please know that you are loved and prayed for.

The transitional mom also gave us a journal. Isn't that wonderful? I love it and think maybe I could do some sort of facsimile for you for the next picture/letter. I'll do my best but hers is awesome.

Thank you for the scrapbook. I know Mackenzie will treasure it as well as her baby ring.

I really want to email you every couple of days but if it gets too much, please tell me. I feel like I have gained a friend for the life as well as a birth mom for Mackenzie. Please try to rest and remember we love you."

Tara wondered what Mackenzie was doing right now.

August 25, 2000
Tara got an email from Veronica about Mackenzie, telling her how protective Ben was with her.

Tara cried again the night before. Then she had a bunch of dreams about Alex. Tara guessed she never grieved anything. She always drank, took a pill, had sex, or ran away.

It was hard not to do those things now.

August 26, 2000
The night before and that morning Tara thought about Mackenzie but didn't cry. She didn't get much sleep, though. She figured the reason she didn't cry the night before was because she stayed busy.

August 27, 2000
Tara had hope that day at last.

The resident who had made Mackenzie's baby blanket was going to suggest at the dorm meeting that every resident get set up with a birth mom who'd placed already.

Tara could think about Mackenzie the night before and not cry but just see her happy.

August 28, 2000
Today Tara's sister turned 38 and Tara got an email from Veronica:

"I forgot to tell you how much we loved the transitional mom. I can see why you picked her also. I loved the journal and sent her a thank you note. Frank and I didn't get Ben until four weeks of age so getting the baby, as a newborn was a wonderful gift to us. I would like to tell you Ben's story one day. A story about a baby that 24 couples turned down and THANK GOD it gave us the opportunity to raise him. Remind me to tell you about it the next time we meet as we will meet to talk and for you to see the baby.

"I haven't emailed as I didn't think you'd be released to drive for 2-4 weeks. Hope it doesn't hurt too much to drive. How is your incision? Did you have to take antibiotics?

Mackenzie is great! She is already growing and changing. We're taking lots of pictures to send you. She's kind of got her days and nights mixed up and are up ever 2-3 hours at night, yet trying to sleep 4-6 hours during the day. We're trying to fix that by keeping her
up more during the day, but…it'll happen eventually. She is a very good baby, but really prefers being held versus her bed, her cradle, her bouncer chair or swing. Which is fine with us. We sit and hold her and talk to her and she coos a little back.

You are in our thoughts and prayers. We still constantly ask each other, �How is she doing?' �What do you think she's doing right now?' Did you have dinner with the birth mom who placed seven years ago? If so, how did it go? I have some pics of Placement Day that I want to send you also. I still can't get over how well you handled everything. I'm just so sorry your incision caused you problems. I hope the walking at the park didn't do it.

We took Mackenzie to church yesterday and she was a big hit. Of course Frank being the protective dad didn't want anyone holding her and just let people look at her. He feels very strongly that she needs her two-month immunizations before being "in the real world." But Ben and I took her to Office Depot today and she did great. Of course we had her in two different outfits for morning church and evening church. One with a bonnet and one with a headband. I'm trying to take pics of her in all her outfits so you can see them. The 0-3 months still swallow her but I have two preemie outfits that are darling on her and an Old Navy sleeper with matching hat that you will love.

Thank you for her 2-week-old card. It's hard to believe it was two weeks ago that you were in labor and trying so hard to deliver her. I hope things are getting back to normal.

Ben has exceeded all our expectations with Mackenzie. He really thinks she's his baby and is so very protective. He is very gentle with her and can't stand it if she even whimpers in her sleep. Pick her up mommy! I hope he's always like this. Every night I make a big deal of him helping her get ready for bed. We do a little sponge off, cord care; etc. and he helps by using his very own washcloth to wash her back and then put lotion on her. Saturday night I had him in the tub and was sponging off Mackenzie in the hallway so I could watch him at the same time. He became very upset, "no I help you" and climbed out of the tub dripping wet to help bathe her. He takes his role as big brother very seriously! I am so thankful he has a sibling and hope she feels the same way some day.

Please take care of yourself and remember how much we love you."

Tara wrote about what the adoption process was like:

At first she felt cheated, mad at God. She felt angry with herself and like an outsider. She felt ugly and useless. Then she thought maybe the pregnancy happened to give her something to live for.

Now she wanted to make Mackenzie proud. She had doubts she could go through with the adoption, that she could actually put pen to paper and sign away her rights, that she'd had the courage to place Mackenzie in her parents' arms, to walk away, to not drink or self-destruct over it.

Tara had hoped it would be easy because intellectually it made sense. She hoped Mackenzie was well taken care of, nurtured, and had a life totally unlike Tara's.

Whenever she doubted her decision, she was told to look back at what she wrote.

August 29, 2000
Tara wrote about what it'd be like if she'd kept Mackenzie, another tool suggested for recovery:

If she'd kept Mackenzie, she'd have been on welfare and wouldn't have any money. She'd have to borrow clothes, money, and food; all of her needs to get her by. She couldn't have afforded doctor visits or handle Mackenzie's crying. She couldn't recover from her C-section and she wouldn't have had time to look for work. She wouldn't have gas money and a place to live. She couldn't afford day care or a sitter. She wouldn't have had money to do laundry, she'd be on food stamps, and she couldn't take her medications because she'd be breast-feeding. She couldn't have taken Mackenzie in the car because she'd have no money for a car seat. She couldn't have kept her pets and she couldn't go to counseling because she couldn't get a sitter. She couldn't keep Mackenzie cool because she couldn't get her a/c on.

She might have drunk again and she might have sold her body again for sex but she couldn't do that because of her incision and her weight.

She probably would've wound up in jail because she wouldn't have time to do her community service.

August 30, 2000
Veronica emailed Tara:
"Ben wants to help me do everything for Mackenzie which is great, but just takes longer. She is beautiful. My mom says she can tell she's "fattening up" as she has a double chin," Veronica wrote. "I don't see a double chin, but…she is eating much better.

Her daddy is feeding her right now. It is so awesome to see a big man be so gentle with a little one. Ben is over there burping for her (guess he thinks she's forgotten). Got a short letter forwarded via our caseworker from your mom. I'll make a copy of it for you if you want. It was a very nice letter."

August 31, 2000
That day Tara had counseling after missing three weeks.

All around her she witnessed the courage of the other residents.

Mackenzie was a big hit at church, Veronica said. Tara put three pictures of her up in her dorm room. She was so precious, so adorable. She never wanted to forget her.

Mackenzie was having a hard time adjusting to a new sleep schedule, Veronica wrote:

"Don't worry that it's your schedule that's messing the baby up. I should be handling this okay since I'm a night person. Just having to deal with Ben in the daytime really messes things up. But we will prevail. Also, sounds like the transitional mom had her on a better schedule and I messed it up!

Good luck on your interview. I wish you could wait another week or two just to give yourself time to heal. How did your re-check at the doctor go?

I will get you a lock of Mackenzie's hair, no problem. I have a lock of Ben's from his first haircut. I must tell you that her hair is getting lighter. I'd be happy to cut a lock of it now or if you want it at her first haircut, let me know.

Of course we will read the article and watch the TV program. I'm sorry Self doesn't present adoption in a positive light. I've wanted to ask you if the two girls due about your same time delivered and if everything went okay, and if they're still there. Do you think it's harder to stay there now? I know all the girls look to you as a resource person. I'm glad for them for that.

Ben tried to feed Mackenzie a marshmallow the other day. We had to have a big talk about NOTHING going into her mouth except her own hand and a bottle or pacifier. She doesn't really like the �pass', which is fine; she may start liking it at a later time. We will be working on your two-week letter and pics for next week so that will be there next week. I can't seem to capture Mackenzie when she is smiling. She really does smile, I know you've seen her, she just loses that smile by the time I grab the camera so the pics are either her staring into space or sleeping.

But don't worry there will be plenty of them when she's more awake and smiling lots more.

Remember how often we think of you and we really love you and want you to be happy in whatever you do."