Men Taking Advantage of Women Trying to Get Sober by Terri Rimmer - originally published by Associated Content, 2007

As a recovering alcoholic who came into the 12-step program at the relatively young age of 22 (prior to some relapses) it used to anger and sadden me to see young women being taken advantage of sexually by older men who had more sobriety than themselves - a practice commonly known among fellow members as 13 Stepping.

I wish that back in 1988 when I first came into "the program" that someone had warned me of this so-called extra step that has probably been around Alcoholics Anonymous as long as the program's been in existence.

It isn't new. I wasn't naïve enough to think that.

But back in 1992 I started warning young women coming into the program not to take numbers or rides from men and to get as many phone numbers and names of recovering women as they could. I remember a 35-year-old woman at 90 days of sobriety who was in the midst of divorce and solely supporting her two-year-old daughter had mistakenly placed another man with one year of clean time on the proverbial pedestal only to be a near victim of the 13th Step.

I am not advocating that only men 13 Step. I did know of some women who were also guilty of doing the same to men early in sobriety back in the early 90s. Since then I've seen those numbers jump. Back in '92 the majority of 13th stepping though seemed to be done on women. Women are a lot more vulnerable when they first come into the program than men are and are many times the former victims of rape, sexual assault, and childhood sexual abuse so they are already set up to be victims.

When a woman comes into the program and is sexually harassed or pursued she is flattered and will often act upon her loneliness which the alcohol can no longer fill by confiding in the wrong people.

From my own experience, I know that I gave off many signals, some of which I was aware of, some not. It seemed in many cases my friendliness was often mistaken for something else, which lead to frustration and later, anger.

I was propositioned by many men in the 80s and 90s, many of whom were married, living with someone, or otherwise attached - men with so-called quality sobriety, those to whom others in the fellowship looked up to for their experience, strength, and hope.

I'm sure some in the program would beg to differ and though I do not profess to be a saint, I don't think working a good program includes hitting on some women who are looking for answers beyond the front door where they hid with a bottle for most of their lives.

I find it amusing that some of these men chair meetings and talk about being moral and humble while practicing their own principles. It's hypocrisy, pure and simple and it's the same kind of hypocrisy that drove me away from the church.

But, because I do not want to drink again, and that scares the hell out of me, and because I was taught to place principles before personalities, I choose not to let these people drive me away from the program. I have to look at them as sick people and try to pray for them while continuing to look out for the newcomer.

I suppose some would say I'm taking their inventories and trying to play God.

Truthfully, I wish someone had taken me aside when I came into the program and wanred me that not everyone in A.A. has good intentions. And that we're all sick people trying to get well and in that process some people may get hurt.

But, to tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't have listened and would have done things my way, wanting to believe desperately that everyone had good motives.

That is not to say there are not good men in the program. I know a good many, who to the best of my knowledge, may entertain thoughts of lust for the wrong people, but do not act on them. They have chosen to change and not merely by abstaining from alcohol.

The place I came to in my sobriety 15 years ago concerning this issue was a long and difficult one filled with pain, loss, and grief. I had to see my part in things that seemed to just happen to me. That is why it is so important, I feel, that women not continue to be victims and victimized by others, particularly once they are on the road to sobriety.

I do not claim to have the answers. All I know is what I have experienced in my recovery.

One day I'd like to say to a new woman that once there was a thing called "13 Stepping" but because of a tradition called a group conscience it no longer happens because we realized that as an organization it was uncalled for.

I'd like to be able to tell her that she need not worry any more. But I know that is unrealistic and like any organization A.A. has its flaws and that is one of them.

But I don't think it's impossible.

And it is with that hope comes change.