Diary of a Birth Mom, Part 8 by Terri Rimmer - originally published on adoption.about.com and adopting.org, 2001

I hope you don't think I hate you.

06-Aug-2000
Your due date was yesterday. My sister came for three days and left today. She felt you move and said she'd miss knowing you. She talked to you. I went back to the doctor Thursday. You're seven pounds. Your AP mom met me there again. I gave her an angel ornament for your first Christmas. My sister and I stayed at a bed and breakfast where they made us heart-shaped cookies with our names on them and brought us peach tea. It's a place for Christian couples and had a Jacuzzi. I crave oranges, limes, sherbet, toaster strudels, and apple butter. I ate a mango and it made me crave a bell pepper.

07-Aug-2000
I had contractions for the first time ever last night! But there were only two, lasting five minutes total. My mom and sister called tonight. I dreamed about you. My doctor's back from out of town, thank God! I keep telling you it's time to come out now. I hope you don't think I hate you.

11-Aug-2000
I'm 50 percent effaced but not dilated. Your AP mom met me at the doctor again and gave me flowers. I met with my caseworker. She says I have to start visualizing letting go of you. I can't and haven't. Another resident went to the hospital last night but nothing happened. Your head keeps moving to the bottom. Ready.

12-Aug-2000
Mom surprised me by coming in to town for three days. Your head is still down below. No contractions since Thursday. I lay awake last night imagining what you will look like. I tried to do that "letting go" thing but couldn't. We got in three new girls. I'm giving some pictures to you who I hope will like them. It's weird to be with Mom and be pregnant. I'm swollen like another girl was. I'm scared about having a delivery like hers.

13-Aug-2000
I can't sleep again. I gave my mom a dorm tour. I'm so anxious about labor. I lay awake wondering what you will look like, be like. I'm eight days late now. Mom doesn't understand a lot of the adoption stuff. I showed her the placement outfit, scrapbook, photo album, and profile of your APs.

18-Aug-2000
You were born on Aug. 15th at 2:00 p.m. You were 7 lbs., 2 oz., and 19 1/2 inches long with a full head of hair. I pushed for three hours and had an emergency C-section. Today I signed the papers and had my first nursery visit. Mom was here when I went into labor. She met your APs, my best friend, her roommate, and the doctor. He was on call when I went into labor so I was glad about that. I cried today after signing papers. I've taken a lot of pictures and your APs gave me a copy of a tape they made at the hospital. It's weird to not have you inside me. I miss you.

At first I felt detached after you were born. Your first greeter was my best friend's roommate who rocked you. You're fascinated with Barbara's face and your own hands. Your AP dad's great, very tender. He and your AP mom are so happy, it's amazing.

I want to remember your smile, your dimple in your chin, all the pictures we took, your dreams, your good nature, your cooing, feeling like you motivate me to go on, how you love to nap and stretch.

As I watch you dream, you smile. I hope it's a good dream. I tell you that your parents love you so much already and that you're going to be very happy. I tell you that I forget the pain when I look at you. When I see how happy your APs are, I don't have second thoughts. I tell you that I made sure your homemade blanket would go home with you. I think you like it. I hope you do. I never would've thought I could have something so beautiful. I tell you that your birth father kind of looks like he's smiling when he sleeps. I tell you that as long as I know you're happy that I know I'm going to be okay. I tell you I can't wait to meet you one day and that I'm excited to see what you'll become.

19-Aug-2000
One of the residents came home upset after having her baby. She had a hard time leaving her baby at the hospital. Tomorrow I have another nursery visit. I thought about you last night and all day. It's so surreal to think you're mine. I don't want to be alone. The pain's getting a little better physically. I talked to my sister and my mom.

20-Aug-2000
The nights are so hard here. I had another nursery visit today and it went a lot better. I had four people there. A friend of mine cried most of the time. Another resident had her first nursery visit today. Today the transitional moms had you in a pink ruffled dress. They sent me email pix that looked great. You were taken to your first Richard Gere movie yesterday and ate through the whole thing. You didn't cry at all. They say you're the easiest baby they've ever had. Your appetite's getting better. I miss being pregnant.

21-Aug-2000
Tomorrow I have another nursery visit. Another resident had her second one today. I've been fighting depression today. I put a picture of you next to my bed. Hopefully I can handle it. I got some more pictures developed. You look great. You're perfect. I thought about having another baby. But I'd feel too guilty about you. You'll always be "the one."

22-Aug-2000
I cried last night with a house parent then almost cried three more times. I had another nursery visit today. My last one's tomorrow. You were irritable today and I couldn't make you happy. I felt helpless. Another girl decided to keep her baby after giving birth this morning. She has nothing but I can't judge her. I should have stressed to her the importance of not being alone with the baby. I made myself sore from crying and straining my incision. A birth mom who placed six years ago is supposed to call me and I'm going to the support group next week.

25-Aug-2000

I got an email from your AP mom about you telling me how protective your brother is with you. I cried again last night and took something to sleep, reluctantly. Then I had a bunch of dreams about Jon. I'm supposed to meet the birth mom who placed six years ago tomorrow. My best friend said all this has been hard on her, too. I guess I never grieved anything. I always drank, took a pill, had sex, or ran. It's hard not to do those things now.

26-Aug-2000

Last night and this morning I thought about you but didn't cry. I didn't get much sleep, though. Tonight I'm meeting that birth mom. She helps a lot. I stayed busy last night, probably why I didn't cry.

27-Aug-2000

I have hope today at last! I met with that birth mom last night for several hours and she helped me so much. She shared her experience, strength, and hope and it was just what I needed. She told me to decide how long I wanted to be sad. She said one day that she, her daughter, and her AP mom would be best friends. She told me to let myself cry, be mad, feel it all in order to heal One of the girls is going to suggest at the dorm meeting that everyone get set up with a birth mom who's placed already like this. I could think about you last night and not cry but just see you happy.

28-Aug-2000

Today is my sister's 38th birthday. The adoption process for me has been like this: At first I felt mad at God, cheated, angry with myself and like an outsider. Then I thought maybe this happened to give me something to live for. Now I want to make you proud. I had doubts I could go through with it, that I could actually put pen to paper and sign away my rights, that I'd have the courage to place you in your AP's arms, to walk away, to not drink or self-destruct over it. I hoped it would be easy because intellectually it made sense. I hoped you were well taken care of, nurtured, and had a life totally unlike mine. Whenever I doubt my decision, I'm told to look back at this entry.

29-Aug-2000

I decided to place for adoption because of economic reasons, my instability, my emotional problems, no family support, and no two-parent, stable home.

30-Aug-2000

If I'd kept you, I'd probably be on welfare. I wouldn't have any money and I'd have to borrow money, food, and clothes, all of your necessities to get me by. I couldn't afford to go to the doctor. I wouldn't have gas money or a place to live. I couldn't afford day care or a sitter. I wouldn't have money to do laundry and I'd be on food stamps. I couldn't take you in the car because I wouldn't have money for a car seat. I couldn't keep you cool because I couldn't get my a/c turned on.

31-Aug-2000

Today I had counseling after missing three weeks. I'm fighting self-destruction. All around me I witness the courage of the other girls. I emailed Self telling them how wrong they were. I'm scared of moving out but I can't stay here forever. You were a big hit at church, your AP mom said. I put three pictures of you up in my room. You're precious, so adorable. I never want to forget you.

02-Sep-2000

I did what'll probably be my last newsletter for Gladney. It was kind of sad. Another resident had her baby and only had to push for 35 minutes. Her dad said she was okay last night but may need support later. I got depressed last night but it helped to get out and visit her. I put up a picture of your APs with you. It helps to see they're happy and know you will be, too.

 There's so much I want to be and do.

More of this Feature • January 2000 • February 2000 • March 2000 • April 2000 • May 2000 • June 2000 • July 2000 • August 2000 • Post-Adoption Index Watch for Updates...     Related Resources • Expectant Parent Resources • Placing a Child: Fear • Real People: Birth Mothers

18-Sep-2000

I got a roommate for the first time since I've been here. She's 31, married, and placed a child a year ago. Gladney wants to talk to me about using my journal on the website. She loved it! Another resident placed her baby today, a boy. She's so strong. She's helping her boyfriend raise his young son.

19-Sep-2000

One of the former residents who placed in June is having a hard time with the adoption and is drinking a lot. I feel empty without my daughter. I talked to my mom. She said I wasn't real verbal as a baby like my little girl and that I didn't have a bunch of hair like her.

20-Sep-2000

I wish I could hold my little girl for just a minute, even a day though I know as soon as she got fussy I'd panic and look for her AP mom to take her. I'm moving out in nine days, back out on my own. I'm so excited! Hopefully they'll let me volunteer. I'd love to giveback everything that has been given to me freely. I pray I won't put my body in danger again. There's so much I want to be and do.

21-Sep-2000

I've got two job offers but am leaning toward a magazine job. I got sad last night about my daughter and couldn't sleep. Today I got my four-week letters and pictures and a journal of my little girl, plus the placement tape. I sent a picture and copies of the letters to mymom and sister.

26-Sep-2000

I've gotten into another relationship. I went to my monthly birthmom support group and it helped. I wish it met more often, though. A friend of mine told me I had it made because I got to come to Gladney. I emailed my little girl a card and got one from my AP mom. I start anew job tomorrow. I didn't get the job at the magazine. Another resident had her baby during the Olympics, a boy. She was in the army before she came to Gladney.

28-Sep-2000

I had counseling today. My AP mom suggested that she, my daughter, and I get together twice a year when she's a little older and go shopping and out to eat! I was blown away! She got my journal, pix, and letters. She said she cried. I've been moving stuff into my new place all day.

29-Sep-2000

I was remembering some childhood and adult memories: running through sprinklers, the smell of freshly cut grass, watching old "David Letterman" shows in the 80s, how I started cracking my knuckles, good movies, going through codependency treatment, feeling like I couldn't please my mom, dying to please Dad, the '94 Winter Olympics, the waymy ex-husband used to look at me, the safety of my sister, blowing Dandelions with my best friend, Kristina.

29-Sep-2000

I was thinking about my dad. I don't remember when I stopped loving him and when I started hating my mom. I don't hate her now. Havingthe baby brought us closer together, miraculously. Suddenly I understood the love a mom feels, which I'd always heard about. I don't remember a time when my sister and I weren't close. She practically raised mefrom the time I was 8 after the divorce. I don't remember ever having a healthy relationship. I envy one the resident who gets to help her boyfriend raise his son. The girl who had her son during the Olympicsis so strong. I wish I could be like her. People tell me I'm strong but I don't think so.

 I lied to two people at work and told them I had custody of my daughter...

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02-Oct-2000

I want to be free, to not be angry or sullen. I want to be a success. My daughter makes me want to be a better person. I want to be peaceful, to be a good mom, to have a house, to play more, to be financially secure, to give more, to not keep score, to not be sad, to be focused,to take care of myself.

05-Oct-2000

I don't want any more chaos in my life. I don't want to have to run or to be broke or live a lie. I don't want to lose any more jobs or to be in danger. I don't want to lose my home or my daughter. Most of all I don't want to lose faith or give up hope. I don't want to lose touch with my AP mom. I don't want to be promiscuous any more or hurt myself and others any more.

06-Oct-2000

I feel good but uncertain about my relationship. I feel like a bad mom. I feel sorry for my daughter's birth father but not enough to get back with him. That'd be crazy and really like a slap in my daughter's face after he abandoned us. I feel relieved I moved. I feel sorry for one of the residents who has placed two children for adoption. She's only 20. I feel rich spiritually, faithful, lucky, like celebrating.

07-Oct-2000

I haven't been feeling much these days. But I'm not afraid and I don't feel like rocking the boat. I don't feel like living in reality or like being myself. But I don't want to run and I don't feel like things are so bad. I don't feel like God's with me but I don't feel hopeless, either.

08-Oct-2000

I saw an old friend last night and she asked me if the adoption was hard. I told her yes. She's raised her ten-year-old daughter on her own for the most part but she's always had her family to help her out.

14-Oct-2000

I lied to two people at work and told them I had custody of my daughter when they asked if I had kids. It was just easier. I'm still grieving. What drives me is my passion for writing and my little girl. What drives my best friend, who has raised her 17-year-old daughter all on her own, is her passion for life.

A friend of mine emailed me that I should move on.

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15-Nov-2000

My daughter was conceived a year ago today. I joined another support group in addition to the ones I already go to. I'm so exhausted all the time now. It's just like when I was first pregnant. My little girl lost a pound. She's only 8 pounds. I'm worried about her but my AP mom says she's okay developmentally. Newsweek put out a whole issue on babies in the millennium. They said now is the best time to get pregnant, have a baby, or raise an infant.

19-Nov-2000

I'm real depressed and sad about my daughter. I got pictures and letters. A friend of mine emailed me that I should move on. I emailed her back an assertive letter. I'm sleeping a lot like when I first got pregnant. I had a good day. I had a good dream about my little girl. My heart aches to hold her.

 Today was harder than Thanksgiving. I thought I'd be okay. I almost drank.

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01-Dec-2000

My little girl went to the G.I. specialist yesterday but I haven't heard anything. She's only eight pounds and won't eat much. I worry about her constantly.

02-Dec-2000

I'm kind of down. I went to a birthday party. My little girl's okay - 9 pounds, 5 1/2 ounces, thank God! I felt happy for the first time in a long time earlier tonight but now it's gone.

03-Dec-2000

My little girl's adoptive brother put Mr. Potato Head glasses on her! I feel so grateful today. I know she's happy.

09-Dec-2000

I'm working on a book proposal for my journal, written in novel format and with a lot more detail. I got depressed after buying my little girl's Christmas present - a "Little House on the Prairie" book. I joined the gym at work. Yesterday I had five years sober.

13-Dec-2000

Snowed in. I'm finally not obsessing about my daughter. Although she's on my mind, it's not the throbbing, all consuming obsession it has been. Now I just think about how happy, loved, and cared for she is. I haven't heard from my APs lately. I sent her new mom a poem for an adoptive mom and the book for my little girl.

16-Dec-2000

Tonight was my sister's dance performance in Florida. I missed my daughter today. Her new dad liked my poem about him.

23-Dec-2000

I leave for my sister's in Florida tomorrow for three days. I got my birth mom journal on my email and forwarded it to a bunch of friends for feedback. I've been wanting to drink for two days and I almost did. I don't know why. I thought I was doing okay with the adoption. But looking back over last night I realized I wanted to drink to blot out the sadness. My roommate got a promotion.

25-Dec-2000

My daughter's first Christmas. I had a cry in the bathroom while Christmas dinner was being made. My family and I went to the movies. I thought about my little girl all day. Today was harder than Thanksgiving. I thought I'd be okay. I almost drank.

26-Dec-2000

I talked to an old friend in Florida. The adoptive mom sent me a sweet email and said more videos and pix are to come. Noone in my family wants to see the Placement video or look at pictures. I saw alot of little girls today and imagined what my daughter would be like older. I feel as tired as I was when pregnant.

27-Dec-2000

I had a fitful night. My mom and stepdad watched some of the Placement video. My sister's supposed to watch it today. I found out my uncle died the day my daughter was born.

To know she has more than she needs gives me comfort.

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01-Jan-2001

A year ago I bought a pregnancy test. My friend and I went to a piano bar to celebrate New Year's but neither of us drank. It was fun. My sponsor gave me my five-year medallion in AA last night. My little girl has graduated out of her crib and loves to look at herself in themirror. Quite different from me!

02-Jan-2001

A year ago I found out I was pregnant. I talked to someone tonight who placed her son in a closed adoption seven years ago and she was very bitter. She wasn't very supportive of my situation but I told her I didn't regret my choice. I thought about my daughter all day but wasn't that sad. This really feels like a real new year for the first time. Normallyit doesn't.

08-Jan-2001

A birth mom I was at Gladney with called and told me that one of the public relations people from there wants to meet with me to talk about being on "The View!" Supposedly Barbara Walters read my "Self Magazine" interview and wants to get an older birth mom's view! They're doing asseries on adoption. I meet with the P.R. person Wednesday. We were supposed to meet today but she had to reschedule. A friend of mine reviewed my journal and sees three potential books out of it. My best friend andI celebrated our AA birthdays together. I feel good about my daughter. It's less painful, more peaceful now. I don't regret my decision. She is happy and she thrives. She laughs and she's secure and comfortablein her home. She's well taken care of and she has no uncertainty. She has confidence in her parents. She'd have none of that if she were with me. I know this. The woman who placed in a closed adoption seven years ago tried to make me feel bad about my decision but I don't. She has two other kids she has custody of. I hung up the phone from her feelingbad last week but now I feel good, stronger about my decision, proud of my decision, thankful.

09-Jan-2001

I'm exhausted. Tomorrow's the big lunch with Paige from Gladney (the P.R. person). I'll finally know. I want a new life. I'm not interested in a relationship at all which is a very good thing for me. Nothing thrills me any more. I'm bored with all the games. Even the guy I used to obsess about long distance doesn't do it for me. I'm seeing things so clearly now.

12-Jan-2001

I feel fatigued all the time like when I was pregnant. I'vebeen thinking about my daughter all day. The Gladney people took me to lunch and told me about the interview. They may not be able to accompany me, though. I'd be scared to go alone.

13-Jan-2001

Today I thought about my little girl a lot. I showed a friendof mine her pictures and gave her one. I don't know what I'd do if I had her right now. I passed baby items in the store and was grateful I didn't have her because she'd be without. To know she has more than she needs gives me comfort. Still nothing about the interview.

14-Jan-2001

I dreamed I went to my AP mom's for dinner but didn't ask about my daughter. I told a friend of mine about the interview pending. He couldn't believe it. He used to be in radio.

15-Jan-2001

I miss my little girl terribly. I got a picture today of her. A year ago I moved into Gladney. My daugher is five months old today. She's growing so fast. At work today a mom was bragging about how her little girl said her first words yesterday - Mama. I started back on my novel about Gladney. I'm only on Chapter 2. It's hard to write it but I want it to be so good and to help so many. Still nothing about the interview. My daughter looked so happy in the picture I got today.Unlike my baby pix. It was so important that she be happy and fed. I'm so glad I did what I did even though I miss her.

 She implied that since I love my little girl I should've kept her.

More of this Feature • January 2000 • February 2000 • March 2000 • April 2000 • May 2000 • June 2000 • July 2000 • August 2000 • Post-Adoption Index Watch for Updates...     Related Resources • Expectant Parent Resources • Placing a Child: Fear • Real People: Birth Mothers

2-15-01

I talked to a counselor in the Post Adoption Department at Gladneyabout my little girl and my grief. I still feel so guilty and lost withouther. She's six months old today. She's starting to say letters and sherolls a lot. I got new pictures in the mail. I've missed six months ofher life even though I get pictures; etc. I can hardly function or holdonto my job.

2-16-01

My dog is trying to save my life in a way, I think. He stoodon my chest and started wrestling with me when I was depressed. He wouldn'tlet me stop playing and he kept licking my face. He made me laugh andsmile for the first time in weeks. The day before he'd been at the vetwith his on-going liver problem and was on three different meds. Forthe first time in a long time I felt new and alive. He'd made me careagain. I guess maybe God reached me through him, who knows? My littlegirl is so lucky. I'm so lucky. I told my dog not to leave me and thatI'd try and stick around. I thanked God.

2-26-01

A friend of mine made some rude comments about my adoption planand I almost drank over it. She said I should have another baby and keepit, that I could've afforded to keep my daughter and that I just didn'thave the confidence I needed to be a mom. She implied that since I lovemy little girl I should've kept her. Last night there were babies ata birthday party I went to and it made me sad. I almost quit or got fired.I got an email from a girl who's pregnant and doesn't know what to do.I sent her a copy of my journal and told her to call me. She's interestedin adoption. Her boyfriend abuses her.

2-26-01

I talked to that girl again about adopting. We talked for along time.

I'm not mad at God any more about the adoption, but still mad at me.

More of this Feature • January 2000 • February 2000 • March 2000 • April 2000 • May 2000 • June 2000 • July 2000 • August 2000 • Post-Adoption Index Watch for Updates...     Related Resources • Expectant Parent Resources • Placing a Child: Fear • Real People: Birth Mothers

3-15-01

I made a long list of people who've said good things about the adoption so I can focus on that. There's quite a few people.

3-17-01

I wrote a letter to my friend who said mean things about the adoption but didn't send it, just wrote it for me. I'm not mad at God any more about the adoption, but still mad at me.

 I am ashamed of me, that I couldn't get it together to be a mom.

More of this Feature • January 2000 • February 2000 • March 2000 • April 2000 • May 2000 • June 2000 • July 2000 • August 2000 • Post-Adoption Index Watch for Updates...     Related Resources • Expectant Parent Resources • Placing a Child: Fear • Real People: Birth Mothers

4-15-01

In two days I'm going to get to see my little girl for the firsttime since Placement. The 17th is the finalization of the adoption andwe've all arranged to meet and spend the day together. I'm probably notgoing to sleep the night before, I'll be excited! It'll be like ChristmasEve as a kid, waiting for Santa or something! A friend of mine had meover for Easter dinner which I wasn't expecting, so that was nice. Ithought about my daughter all day and wondered what she thought of herfirst Easter today and about how she looked. I bet everyone made a fussover her at church.

4-16-01

I'm at my best friend's spending the night and in the morningafter court for the finalization of the adoption, the AP mom is supposedto call me for us to meet! We're going to take pix and videotape everything.I can't wait to see my little girl and to hold her in my arms. She alwaysdresses her so cute. I'll probably be up and down all night but I don'tcare. I've got the day off for this special occasion that I'll neverforget.

4-17-01

I got to see my little girl today! Now she's officially alltheirs, legally. She was so happy and talked and smiled the whole time,saying "dada" and looking up at all the lights and around at all thepeople. She's so curious! I'm prejudiced but I've never seen such a happybaby! We took pictures and they gave me some new ones they took. Shethinks her name's 'pretty girl' because they call her that all the time,to get her to smile for pictures. She used to not like getting her picturetaken.

4-18-01

I'm still doing well and am really happy about my daughter.My AP mom emailed me to see if I was okay and I told her I'm doing good.She said I was so calm and gracious to everyone. I met some of her familyand friends at breakfast yesterday when I saw my little girl. She saidthey all loved me. Her best friend told me it was an honor to meet meand that she felt like she already knew me, with tears in her eyes. Hersister told me she saw me when I came in the restaurant and that I wasthe exact image of my daughter. She said she would know me anywhere!

4-22-01T

The AP mom got to see the "Barbara Walters Special" about adoption.She said she cried and cried during it and my little girl looked at heras if to say, "What's your deal?" She said she loved it and liked whatRosie O'Donnell had to say, too. She said she's going to tell both ofher kids (her son's adopted, too through Gladney) that they were alwaysnumber one in their birth moms' eyes and that I and the other birth mom(to her son) chose adoption because they were the most important thingin our lives and we wanted the best. She said she tells them how specialthey are, especially at night as she wants them to know from an earlyage how special and lucky they are.

4-23-01

I emailed the AP mom and told her thank you for the sweetestletter she put in a card to me. Her words meant a lot to me. She saidshe and her husband were humbled by my choosing them to raise my daughter.I liked the special and afterwards went to the store for a breather.

4-26-01

I had a delayed reaction the other day to seeing my little girl.I was doing great for several days then got depressed. But then I gota cheery email from the AP mom today telling me that my little girl gotin the jacuzzi today for the first time and absolutely loved it, becomingso excited she almost jumped out of their arms! That made my day! Shesaid her son loved the water at that age, too, but never like this. Shelaughed and laughed (my daughter did). Maybe she'll become an Olypmicswimmer or something. She splashed and squealed. She said next tiem she'lltape it for me. So she adores the water! The AP mom is leaving in themorning for the weekend for the first time to be away from her kids.She said she's looking forward to it but dreading leaving them. She saidit's hard for her to go to work even though they sleep the whole timeshe's gone. She's afraid they won't miss her as they both love theirdad. I thought about them all weekend and how they did with just theirdad. He dotes on them both and is so gentle with my daughter. He's justthe father she needs. I know he would protect her till his dying day.She doesn't deserve any less and I feel good about him.Today is my dad's 65th birthday but we're estranged. I'm glad my littlegirl will never have to go through that. My dad abused me so I can'tbe with him or have him in my life because he hasn't changed and takesno responsibility for what he did. I tried having him in my life beforebut it was destructive for me so I had to let him go. He still triessometimes to worm his way back in, but he's not willing to do thingsdifferently. He doesn't even know about my little girl but I'm protectiveof her, too.

4-27-01

I'm talking more about the adoption to others and am not ashamed.I will never be ashamed of her. I am ashamed of me, that I couldn't getit together to be a mom.

4-28-01

I got an idea to go to the nursing home next to my job on Mother'sDay and deliver care packages and visit those who never get visitors.I figure since that day is traditionally the hardest day of the yearfor birth moms and it will be my first one without my daughter, thatit will do me good to get out of myself. This just came to me.

4-29-01

I talked to the activitiy director at the nursing home and whenI told her what I wanted to do she got all excited like she won the Lottoor something. Anyway, it could always be worse. I could be an old ladyin a nursing home with no one to visit me. How sad would that be?

4-30-01

I didn't have as many entries for March in my journal becauseI work on my novel about Gladney on a daily basis in hopes of gettingit published one day. I want it to be perfect and to help so many. Afriend of mine is going through a tough time over her adoption. She placedher son who's now 14 when she was 18. Now she's 34 and because it wasa closed adoption, totally unlike mine, she has never gotten any pictures(not since he was 3 years old, anyway). She said she's drank over itfor 14 years. She's got a few months sober now, thankfully.