Coin by Terri Rimmer

Growing up in a middle-class family in the 70s we never wanted for anything. There was steak on the grill every Saturday night, parties in the basement, big meals at holidays, breakfast on the electric griddle at the kitchen table, plenty of Halloween candy and we never went hungry. Mom always shopped heartily and Dad always brought us treats and took us to ice cream and pizza parlors on weekends. At the movies we always got popcorn, candy, and Coke. The money seemed endless.

Mom was a tightwad and Dad was a spendthrift. He always bought people things but never himself. He’d have the same clothes and shoes falling apart for years but everyone had everything they wanted for Christmas. We lived in a three-bedroom house with a basement, attic, and garage, washer and dryer, decent furniture, Dad had a workshop in the basement, we had a swing set and sandbox in the large backyard, a new driveway. We had two cars. Dad always decorated the house lavishly at Christmas and once when I had a Halloween party he did the same and even built his own make-believe monster.

I would have slumber parties and have friends spend the night. I usually got what I wanted for Christmas and birthdays. We all had new dresses at Easter and we each got a chocolate bunny, plastic bunny, and stuffed bunny. We always had a picnic at Easter and hunted eggs we dyed. I never knew hunger. We brought our lunch sometimes to school or ate in the cafeteria. Dad made meatball sandwiches and Mom was a great cook having grown up on a farm.

We went out to eat sometimes.

We had relatives visit and there was always plenty of food. We had a large freezer in the garage in addition to our freezer in the kitchen. There were plenty of canned goods.

Sometimes when we picnicked we’d have KFC and sometimes we’d just pick it up for dinner.

I remember when I was little I stole a piece of candy for my oldest sister Joy from the store we always walked to. My parents made me return it.

When I was nine I stole an eight-ball from a drugstore with a friend and never returned it. I remember hiding it under my coat with my best friend as we rode home in the backseat and my dad asked us how the movie was. We just said fine and kept looking at each other paranoid about me dropping that ball.

I do remember one birthday party I had, I think my 10^{th -} a friend of mine didn’t come and when I asked her why she said, “Mom says ya’all are poor.” I guess that impacted me. I know it hurt my feelings and surprised me because I never felt poor except when it came to my clothes which Mom always shopped for for the bargains. Still, if it weren’t for school and the trends and fads I would never have known that my clothes weren’t okay. I do remember being embarrassed about wearing certain clothes to school. I got my sister Cindy’s hand-me-downs which I loved because she always had cool clothes.

I remember watching my dad pay the bills with all of them spread out on the kitchen table and his large calculator going with all this tape rolling. He would be writing checks, sighing, smoking, cussing, and rubbing his temples, his eyes, looking stressed. It didn’t look fun but it never occurred to me that one day I’d have to do the same thing. It just never occurred to me that one day I’d be grown up too with the same responsibilities and how I would handle that.

I remember Dad teaching me how to count money. We would play “store” and he’d show me how to make change. I didn’t like it and was horrible at math. But he stressed to me that it was important I learn.

When I went to live with my mom at age 11 the cookouts continued only there were no more snacks because Mom didn’t believe in buying junk food and my step dad was strict about snacking. But I never went hungry though I started sneaking food in the middle of the night because my step dad would count the bread to make sure I didn’t have a sandwich when I got home from school because in his mind it would spoil my dinner. The only time sweets were in the house was at holidays or birthdays and not for long. But we’d go to the lake and have snacks on the houseboat and we cooked out on the docks with the other families. And we fished and kept most of what we caught and cooked that, too.

Then when relatives would visit from San Francisco they would bring cheeses and salamis and other foods that were gourmet items.

When I was 12 I started working summers in my step dad’s office and he paid me $10 a week which seemed a lot to me. I’d spend it in no time and my step dad would just laugh. I had no idea what money meant.

When I was a teenager and my dad was fighting for custody after the divorce at age 9 was the first time I really heard about money as far as how much things cost. I remember my dad and mom arguing about child support and my dad talking about how much my braces cost.

When I went to a children’s home at 14 there was plenty of food. We’d get taken here and there and get fed even more food. But I became anorexic just to get my mom’s attention so she’d let me come home. It didn’t work.

Still I had plenty of clothes during this time as I always had although Mom would buy me gaudy, cheap clothes that I didn’t like. Once in awhile she’d buy me something I liked.

When I was 15 and in foster care I still had what I needed and most of what I wanted. Still money wasn’t discussed and I never asked either. When I would visit my sister every spring break from then on she paid for everything and I never asked how she had so much money. Turned out she didn’t really.

When I was 16 I got my first real job at Six Flags. Making $3.10 an hour. That was a lot in 1982. I felt rich and I just blew it all. Since I lived in a group home I had no bills and everything was provided. I used to look at Seventeen Magazine and make lists of all the things I wanted. I never got them because I didn’t understand the value of money and what it would and wouldn’t buy.

In two more foster homes after that the state paid for everything. We got a clothing allowance, food was furnished at the homes, and I didn’t really want for anything. My entire medical was paid. I had no plan or clue as to how to make it on my own. I wish now they had taught us foster kids about that.

When I graduated from high school I got some graduation money and blew it except for some I saved which I later had to use to get four wisdom teeth pulled. That was depressing since I had to use that three weeks before I left for college.

Then when I went off to college the boom was lowered. No longer a ward of the state, I was on my own pretty much. My step dad might give me a few dollars here and there but I worked all through school, had a small journalism scholarship later, and was on financial aid. I could eat for free in the cafeteria but it was awful so I bought my own food with a small stipend I got. I also got grants and loans and had side jobs.

But for the first time I experienced hunger and going without – without money to eat, do laundry, or have clothes – off and on. It was either feast or famine and my friends seemed to always have money.

I drank all through college too but didn’t pay for my own alcohol much since it was in abundance at parties and guys would buy me drinks.

I remember when they took my stipend away my senior years of college because of Reaganomics and how mad I was. I felt cheated and punished and drank about it. But never resolved it just kept working and feeling like I was spinning my wheels.

My sister sent me money a lot and her hand-me-downs which I still loved. She would also send me gifts and cards.

I remember in my senior year of college we went to a journalism convention in Chicago and stayed at this ritzy hotel, some place I’d never stayed and I ordered room service much to my adviser’s chagrin. I considered it something I deserved but didn’t see the frivolity of it or the arrogance.

During that same period I bounced a bunch of checks and my step dad kept me out of jail.

When I got my first place out of school, having dropped out, things only got worse. I had no furniture at all and everything I got was given to me. I was making minimum wage and couldn’t get by. I had a boyfriend who kept bailing me out on hot checks. This became a pattern in all my relationships. The guy would always rescue me and I never repaid them although my intentions were to do it.

I was like my dad as far as buying others gifts and not myself. But I would splurge on hairdos and not pay my bills. On New Year’s Eve I’d also get makeovers - not free then bounce checks for expensive makeup because I wanted to belong. I never bought myself clothes.

I felt entitled to splurge on hairdos, magazines, makeovers, and anything that fed my various addictions but I wouldn’t take care of my health and was always behind on my bills and my pets’ shots. I justified it all and felt cheated if I didn’t get my way and deprived if I couldn’t engage in instant gratification.

When I met my ex-husband and we dated he paid for most everything although I would offer. When we got engaged we planned a lavish wedding but soon realized we had to scale down and down and down. I was embarrassed at our wedding and reception because of the level we had to scale down to. Looking back I’m glad we didn’t spend a bunch of money.

I’ve had over 80 jobs, have never saved anything and whatever I briefly had would fly away just as soon as I got it or shortly thereafter.

When my ex-husband and I went on the road the nightmare continued. What was supposed to be this romantic existence living out of motels and making lots of money turned out to be full of relapses and mayhem. And more bounced checks on my part from his account, something I hid from him though not for long.

The following year we separated of course but he continued to help me pay the bills for awhile until he started seeing someone and I got in a relationship with another enabler, someone who showered me with gifts, clothes, money, dinners, jewelry, and a car for two years.

In exchange I put up with her abuse and cleaned her house while taking care of her in her illness while she wasn’t working. I paid when I could but she paid more. She finally got fed up and we would fight and fight then make up and the cycle would continue.

After we broke up I lost everything as a result of spending money on renting a computer and paying on it instead of my bills. I had had a lifelong pattern of bouncing checks, stealing, cheating, owing, lying, manipulating, conning, and scheming. It wasn’t something I set out to do. The money thing just overcame me and I did many things out of desperation.

While I lived at Gladney for almost a year in 2000 when I was placing my daughter for adoption since I couldn't take care of her, I saved no money because I was working part-time and barely making my bills. Luckily I had no rent, utilities, medications, or food to pay for during this time. I never saw so much food in my life. The first time I walked into that kitchen I felt like I was in the Garden of Eden. There was so much fruit and vegetables. I gained 60 pounds in my pregnancy.

When I got out it was back to reality and back to struggling. I still liked to come across like I had money when I didn’t. At this point I was $20,000 in debt. Half of that were medical bills, the other half was student loans, something I’d promised to pay back and never did. I have so many financial amends to make.

In 2002 I tried to get help from Texas Rehab Commission, two job coaches, and from my sister, who set all this up only to have me disappoint her. I was eternally broke and stopped counting how many jobs I’d had in my life.

Now I just turned 50 and looking at no savings and I have to go to food banks even though I get help with groceries. I work but don't make enough.

I look around at many of my friends and some are similar to me in the money area. None of us were ever taught about money, never questioned where it came from and how. Now as adults we have to unlearn lifelong patterns that as children we embraced and got excited over like new toys at Christmas. I make my own Christmas gifts and thank God for my creativity and ingenuity. However, sometimes I can buy into that commercialism though I usually don’t let myself get that far.

Money seems to be the albatross that has a lot of people. I have only met a couple who “had it under control” and had a sense of how to handle it.

I hope to one day be there, too.

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