Garden Variety Drunks

It seems my fifth medication I'm on in addition to my other four isn't working any more after a month.
Well, that was a fun ride.
My sponsor says I'm just a garden variety drunk but to me a garden variety drunk is one who quits drinking and that's their only problem. They don't have to be on meds. Their only problem is not drinking.
I'd kill to just be one of those.
But that was never the case with me.
I've give anything to not have nightmares every night, some about my deceased dad who still haunts me from the grave, who got away with abusing me and my sisters all his life. Who never paid in this life.
Instead we paid. And paid dearly.
One of my nieces paid, too. And is still paying.
I wish I could exhume my dad, then bring him back to life so I could kill him.
Instead five strokes killed him. But he didn't suffer. I know because I asked some doctors if a stroke is painful.
And it's not.
He never suffered.
Oh, he had some depression in his later years.
But, so what?
What's a little depression compared to what me and my siblings suffered because of him?
If Heaven and Hell exists I hope he's paying in the Afterlife. If that exists.
I never believed in Heaven and Hell.
I jokingly say what a female comedian once said: "I believe in Hell right here on earth."
If this isn't Hell, than what is?
Some people think this is Heaven.
Um, I DON'T THINK SO!
I'll tell you what hell is. Hell is having five years sober (in 1993) and walking down the sidewalk holding your head because all the sudden you hear noises in your brain you never heard before.
And you ask God, "I got sober for this?"
I'm still mad at God for that.
People say God has nothing to do with it.
It's hard not to be mad at God.
Who should I be mad at?
I recently went off on God and threw up twice.
I didn't know if it was something I ate, if God was punishing me, or if it was just all that anger.
Guess I'll never know.
I envy Garden Variety Drunks.
Wish I could change places with them.  
   

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